shitbird impurity of motive

"I'm not very good at acting out of duty; if I don't want to do something, I tend not to ever get to it."

I've said this a few times now, to (relatively) recently made friends. Now, one could understandably interpret this to mean that I'm some sort of hedonist or sensualist. That I just do what I want, thoughtlessly and at the mercy of my inclinations. That I've eschewed question of right and wrong in favor of whatever feels good.

That's not quite what I mean. Rather, I find that those courses of action or particular tasks that have as their ONLY appeal in duty, I lack the strength of will to carry out. Or, more often, I find I am paralyzed in the face of them, because I have no organic impulse towards them, and so my standard for completion or success is an unrealistic notion of "perfection."

"When the Tao is lost, men begin to speak of Good and Evil." Or Right and Wrong. Duty and Inclination.

Instead, I find that if I am to have hope of carrying out the good action, I need to have cultivated the sort of character, such that I desire more organically to do what is right, because it pleases me in some respect. Indeed, the speculative enterprise I engage in, when facing complex questions of purpose and action, is usually so convoluted that pure knowledge of the dutiful action is nigh impossible to come by. Instead I have to act on what seems feasible and instead I feel my way along, like a person with only enough light for the next step through a dark and treacherous cavern.

What principles or "maxims" am I acting from when I engage in this sort of agency? Intentions and motivations are not so easy as that. The ways in which I spin against my existential drives keep the waters of my motivations churned and murky. Clarity only comes in a narration after the fact.

which is perhaps why forgiveness and repentance are so important. We have little hope of doing it right before hand. The logic of mercy is the only logic that is safe.

This is quick and sloppy. maybe I'll clean it up later, but I've got to go install a harddrive now.