Take. Your. Time.

So, I’ve been a little sad lately. My buddy John is off to Carbondale to get his phenomenology-of-religion on and I knew it was going to be hard to see him go, but its been a rough couple of days. John is a good man. Though he’s an introvert, which I find mysterious and questionable, we connected on an obscure-sub-culture-reference-humor level pretty much instantaneously and have spent many hours of the last year nerding out together. If that last part confuses you, read his entry on nerdery. I’m very happy for him to be on his way to professoriality and finally tack “Dr.” in front of that already imposing, imperialist-sounding name of his.

One of these days I’m going to go through all of the links at the side of Mari’s blog. Also, her description of this blog is so fantastic and spot-on, I can’t help but buy her lunch when I go to Chicago. It just CANNOT be helped.

Speaking of Mari, she quoted me in her other blog about being Zen. I’d forgotten my zen-ness. However the description of zen I gave needs a corollary. Sometimes, “Yep. That’s a feeling. Now do a thing.” can become a kind of frantic fleeing from some serious underlying stuff. So, we have to find a balance between wallowing and feeding our crazy with inaction and hours of facebook stalking AND running around trying not to feel our feelings. In fact, maybe it is all there in that definition, I was just paying attention to the wrong part. You have to acknowledge the feelings before you do a thing.

You have to say “Yep” to your feeling.

In any case, I’m letting go of my frantic-ness and just taking my time. Being a little lazy and selfish. Or at least, as lazy and selfish as my protestant up-bringing will allow. Which is not very.

I baked cookies yesterday. Who wants some? Chocolate chip, dude.

And now, some stuff I like:

I want a house that looks like its about to be dismantled by sentient plant life.

I want a concrete wall and a funny vinyl decal for my light switch.

I don’t want a cat, but this is fucking hilarious.

I might have to figure out how to incorporate these guys into my next tattoo. They’re fabulous.

Also, I’m finally buying a TV. I hope it doesn’t ruin my life…

Sorry Mom, But I'm A Man Now

So, after that other thing self-destructed with greater finality, I find myself...well, a little lonely. Moreover, I feel a little guilty about feeling a little lonely. I've got a bunch of friends that, at any given moment, at least one of them wants to hang out or get coffee or what-have-you. And its not like we're just acquaintances with little in common or a lack of emotional availability. We talk about just about everything. Especially our feelings, struggles, questions, etc. They're great. Really.



But there's this other thing. This...I dunno, romantic thing, right? Erotic thing, I guess? Though I mean that in a rather proper sense...not at the exclusion of that "other" sense, either. Its that "I'm approaching my mid-twenties and I'd like some companionship but its hard finding someone you're compatible with who's in a similar life station and also feels the same way about you" difficulty that a million tv series and movies are all about. So, I guess I should take comfort in the normality of all this.



So, anyways, I'm just trying to keep my eyes open and make myself available, though I am feeling a little gun-shy after that other thing. And I've been cramming my life with cuteness and beauty and loveliness where-ever I can (as you all might have noticed from the photo-tastic posts of late). I'd just like to meet a girl who nests into this lovely life I've got for myself these days. Someone to bake for and go on picnics with and snuggle next to on sofas. Someone to dance with and sing to. That kinda stuff, ya know?



Its like that other girl got all these boy-friend-y motors running and now I'm just idling in the parking lot. *sigh*

Who wants a blueberry muffin?

Vociferous Variance and Vacilation

God bless OB. His class is yet another opportunity to blog. He just keeps going over the same stuff. He doesn’t trust that his students have learned the previous material sufficiently to move forward. And rightly so, since so many of them have not. And yet the more he repeats the system of terms, the more I see their eyes glaze over and become indifferent to the whole subject matter.

Why do I keep showing up to something that is so blatantly wasting my time? I guess to just not be an asshole, I suppose. And because sometimes I pipe up and help clarify things that are hopelessly muddied. And its good to be of some use to one’s peers.

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I’ve been baking a great deal lately. The whole thing appeals to me on many levels. The ordered, careful process of measuring precise amounts, laid out on my counters like the chemistry experiment they are. Prepared baking sheets and muffin pans receiving the batter or dough. The careful extrication of cookies and muffins onto a cooling rack, in a cloud of delicious smell. Like a monastic meditative exercise.

When I’m baking, when I’m a baker I am affected by the baking, the being a baker. I like what/who I am when I’m baking. I’m filled with a sense of compassion, for my friends, my family, my self…humanity even, though abstractly. The joy of my baked goods is to give them away. A few can be enjoyed in private, but that’s really not the point of the exercise.

The Baking Repetoire as it stands:
- Peanut Butter Cookies
- Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Whole Wheat Coffee/Beer Bread
- *NEW* Oatmeal Cookies
- *NEW* Bran Muffins

That’s right kids; I bought a muffin pan. Ladies.

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In the middle of the previous section, OB asked me a very specific question about a presentation I gave more than a month ago. What?!

Now he’s giving an account of the movie “The Visitor”… poorly.

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I’m going out w/ Katie again tomorrow night. Someone asked me over dinner on Saturday why I’m putting my hand back in the garbage disposal. I told them lots of things that aren’t true but allowed me to be pretty-much left alone in my decision. I’ll spare you the dissimulations.

Final answer: I’d really like that to have a chance to be… I dunno, “something”

On the other hand, that I’m giving her the opportunity does not mean all my eggs are in one basket. If someone else captivating comes along, she’s S.O.L.

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I tire sometimes of the weighty-ness of my philosophical work. I need to vacillate between the aesthetic and the philosophical. The concerns of Blondel’s Action and Lonergan’s Insight and Kant’s Duty are all just so important. Its exhausting. Right now, I’d much rather spend my time (and money…) on baking and decorating my apartment and going dancing and reading design magazines and blogs and watching TV shows and on and on.

I did spend yesterday sitting on a blanket at a park soaking up the modicum of sun our Boston spring afforded. Today I weathered the thunderstorms with coffee and clam chowder.

I want to do arts and crafts projects. To paint and sew and recycle creatively.

But, I can read w/ a latte in hand. That works pretty good.

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I have wonderful friends. I aspire to their authenticity, their patience, their forgiveness, their kindness and their intelligence. God bless them, each and everyone.